


So Goddamn Sane

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Domestic, Fluff, Home, M/M, Minnesota Wild, NHL Lockout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 04:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan has excellent reasons for choosing Minnesota.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Goddamn Sane

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Stellarer, who is an awesome beta, and listens to me talk about Ryan Suter way too much. <3

**"If love did not exist I would be so goddamn sane."**

— Andrea Gibson

Ryan thinks he has pretty good judgement. He knows when to act and when to wait. He's down with rationality like he's an enlightenment philosopher. Most of the time.

Zach is something else. Zach never stops. Zach has a nice smile and a nose for the puck. Zach has a plan where they can go play in Minnesota, together! All Ryan has to do is sign on the line, thirteen years, ninety-eight million dollars, a whole new life.

Or he could stay in Nashville, with Shea, where he knows the system inside and out, where he knows his place. That isn't a bad option. It would be safe to stay. There isn’t any reason why he can’t stay in Nashville.

He signs with the Wild. Of course he does, because Zach has a plan, and if Ryan signs with the Wild he can have Zach, and that's what he wants. The rest of it is what it is, is what it will be, but Zach is something special.

Ryan drives to Minnesota a few days after the signing. He has to get his picture taken in a Wild sweater and smile like a good boy. He wants to be there because at the end of the day, when they're done repeating how excited they are to start playing for the State of Hockey, he gets to go home with Zach.

They've always been good together, Ryan knew that when he signed. It's always been easy, it's always felt natural. They've never had as much time as they wanted, but they always managed to do something good with the time they had. This is different.

They can spend all day in bed, only leaving to eat. They can take their time. Ryan likes this. He likes to take his time with Zach, likes to draw it out, see how long he can make it last before Zach starts demanding more. He likes that given a chance Zach will ask for things. They have time to be creative. They have the time to try new things. They have the next thirteen years to figure each other out.

As much as Ryan might wish it was possible, they can't actually spend all summer in bed together. They both have other commitments, training, press things, family things, not to mention the fact that they're both relocating.

Ryan doesn't get down to Nashville until early in August. He has to pack up his house there before it can get sold. Most of the guys are somewhere else, but he has dinner with Fish and Carrie. Shea is still in Canada. Ryan hadn't been sure, they haven't really kept in communication. They were never good at summers. They never learned how to stay together emotionally with geographic distance between them. Now it doesn't matter, there isn’t any reason for them to try. 

Nashville without Shea still feels weird. Even before he starts putting stuff in boxes it feels like there's something missing. This isn't his home anymore, and he can feel that change.

Unfortunately his new life doesn’t begin as scheduled. There’s a lockout and Ryan spends the fall going back and forth between the Cities and his place in Wisconsin, skating with whoever’s around and trying not to let frustration get the best of him. He was ready for change. What he gets instead—a stream of stalled negotiations and false hopes—is almost enough to break his composure. What will happen next is important, he’s anxious for it to begin.

Having Zach beside him does make it better. 

Zach is in the same boat, and he's even less good at being still than Ryan is. He gets involved in things, he takes up tennis, he gets to know all the parts of the team that are around. They're working through the time off together, trying to keep their heads together.

When being patient gets too hard they have fantastic sex that borders on frantic. It's an outlet for the nervous energy caused by being stuck in limbo because of the lockout. Sometimes it's fast, and they aren't careful. They've done hurried before, but not like this. They used to hurry because they were short on time. Now they're rushing forward, chasing an easy hit of adrenaline. It's rougher than they've ever been with each other, and it’s good. It's not like they have to skate the next day, not if they don't want to.

So not everything about the lockout is completely terrible, just most of it.

Then it's over, just like that. Ryan is in Wisconsin when the end of the lockout is announced. He hadn't made it back to the Cities after spending the holidays with family. All of a sudden he has to stop puttering around his place and get ready to play hockey again. He has a place in Saint Paul that's he's still settling into. He'll have to get used to playing with a new partner too, which will be—

Well, it will be new. New and different. That is what he signed up for.

Camp is a blur. He has a lot of things to learn: names, faces, the system. Before he has a chance to blink, the season is starting, and he's still learning.

Ryan doesn’t know what to make of the Minnesota experience. The team’s good, good enough, it could be better. He wants to do well, he knows he can do better, but for now he’s still figuring it out. It sure is different.

Saying something is _different_ is so Minnesotan, _that’s so different_ is the nice thing to when confronted with something incomprehensible or distasteful. Ryan doesn’t mean different like that; he just means that things are different; they aren’t the same as they used to be. Minnesota is different, and that’s fine.

Zach is with him in Minnesota, hell, Zach might as well _be_ Minnesota because Ryan can’t keep his thoughts about the two separate. Going to Minnesota means going to Zach, and that’s his future; the future is bright.

They win the first two games of the season. Their third is against the Preds, and it ends with their first loss. Losing three-one isn’t good, and the prospect of playing with another new partner is even less good. Spurgeon blocking Shea’s shot with his foot was a brave thing to do, and it had to have hurt. Hopefully he won’t be out for long. That’s completely outside of Ryan’s control. All he can do is forget the loss, and go out next game and play his best.

It isn’t a good night, but Ryan gets to go home after this, home to Zach, who he loves more than common sense would advise.

This is his home now, for real. He's comfortable with the place he has, he belongs. That's a good thing. He signed up for this without really knowing what he was getting into. Sure, he heard about their prospects, and the organization. He was familiar with the Cities. He had plenty of context. But really what he did was sign up for a life unknown. He didn't know that it would work out like this; he didn't know it would get so good, so quick.

They’re getting ready for bed that night when Zach shuffles close to hook his chin over Ryan’s shoulder.

"I'm glad you chose this," Zach says, breath hot on Ryan's neck. "I'm glad you chose me."

"Of course I did," Ryan says. "I love you."

He must have said this before now, it's been true for a long time, since he can't remember when. He must have said it before, but as he runs through the times they've been together he can't recall it happening. There are some fuzzy bits, hazes from when they played against each other in college, and the blur at the end of the Olympics, but he thinks this would be something he would have held onto. He must have said it before.

He isn’t sure though, and that seems crazy. His whole life right now is based on the premise that he loves Zach, he must have said it before.

Some part of him, an extra crazy part, want to tell everyone that he loves Zach with real words instead of actions. Signing to the same team says a lot, but he can imagine how it would look in neon, in halogen, _Ryan loves Zach_. Some part of him wants to make it that obvious, that bold. Interstate billboards. Theater marquees. Skywriting.

He doesn’t have time to get swept up in impossible modes of grand proclamations, because Zach is spinning him around, and pulling him into a kiss that tastes like toothpaste and feels like home.

Maybe being in love makes him crazy, there’s some good evidence available. It could also be argued that love makes him sane. Being in love gives him a home, it gives him a future. It keeps him grounded, it makes him want to be better. Being in love makes him happy and full, and yeah, maybe a little bit crazy, but in a good way.


End file.
